Mail Order Wife Site Netchix Introduces “Watch Instantly” Feature

Netchix, a mail order wife site created by Netflix, has recently come out with the “Watch Instantly” feature.  Netchix, the first mail order wife site of its kind, allows its users to order a wife, keep her for as long as they want, and return it in exchange for the next wife in the user’s queue.  The website has been very successful so far, offering many of women categories that its mother company offers:  “you recently married,” “marry her again,” and “new arrivals.”  The most successful feature, and the feature that promises a long lasting site, is “suggestions for you.”  Based on previous wives that the user has ordered and has had shipped to their house, the website guesses at what other women the user would prefer.  Finding other users that have married the same women as the user helps Netchix in this prediction, and seeing what similarities they had. For example, if a user logged onto Netchix, the homepage could say something similar to the following:

Based on your preferences, we have made the following suggestions for you:

  • likes Star Trek almost as much as you do
  • Asian
  • slightly masculine (opens jars)
  • is actually male
  • eating disorder fetish
  • furry
  • your brother’s wife

The new “watch instantly” feature offers users a glimpse into the everyday life of the wives in action in the user’s actual house.  The videos on the site will show the wife’s usual schedule: the wife-to-be washing dishes, doing the laundry, sitting on the foot of your bed quietly sobbing to herself while holding a picture of the old country.  This feature has proven to be very popular.  “Sometimes I order a wife and she doesn’t actually live up to my mother’s expectations like previous reviewers wrote,” user bigboy86 wrote.  “The ‘watch instantly’ button takes away that surprise factor.”  Other users disagree, such as winston423: “I liked not knowing what to expect.  My last wife came with dentures.  At first I was mildly repulsed, until I realized she gave really good head.”

Netchix is rumored to be working on a new mail order husband site, Netdix.

Discreet Tweet – The app that tweets for you

Our new app tweets the wittiest possible combination of 140 characters so you don’t have to. This is done using a complex algorithm that uses the correct proportion of obscure references, jokes other people have made before, and pun potential. 

Discreet Tweet was first designed as a remedy for Twitter users who had fallen under psychological duress. These are the people who could not tolerate the pressure to continuously tweet something witty and relevant (and occasionally edgy). 

Discreet Tweet’s popularity then started spreading to people who joined Twitter to figure out what a retweet was so they could do it to Ellen. These people had no idea how to use Twitter, had zero tweets, three followers, and an egg as their picture.

Now, these same users have used Discreet Tweet to build up their tweet base so they don’t feel self-conscious about the stupid shit they would written instead. Some have taken such a hands-off approach, they don’t even remember their Twitter handle anymore! 

Because of our app, users are free to spend their time doing what they truly care about such as stalking high school exes on Facebook or lying in bed. One user tweeted, “Without the stress of writing good tweets, I can finally reflect on my life and all the terrible choices I’ve made! Thanks DT!” (It is unclear whether the user or the app tweeted this.)

Get Discreet Tweet today! We here at Discreet Tweet are committed to what makes you you.  

12 things we live with as people

1. All toilet paper rolls have an end.
2. You either leave a little bit on, or you have to find a new roll.
3. Any noise made by your body in a silent room is disgusting.
4. Your Facebook profile makes you look awful.
5. Your Twitter is even worse.
6. The only way to accomplish your goals is by making easy goals.
7. You could also work hard, but that sucks.
8. When you look at your phone to avoid conversation, you still look like an asshole.
9. You know how you’re sort of hungry? You will always feel that way.
10. People try to manipulate your emotions using what are essentially small boxes of past human action.
11. You are naturally attracted to order and thus, numbered lists.
12. Not every numbered list ends on an okay number. 

Tips to make friends AND save money

In this day and age, it’s very difficult to be a sociable young person. Whether it’s going to a bar, restaurant or concert — hanging out frequently means spending money. However, you don’t need to sacrifice friendships to save money. Here are some fun tips that will save you money while also keeping you social.

Carpool effectively.  We’ve all heard of carpooling; it’s cheap and great for the environment! Another fun way to carpool is by squeezing in real close behind someone in the subway turnstile. Not only will you save some money, you’ll make a new friend! 

Turn off your heat. You don’t need that much heat, especially if you wear your entire wardrobe all the time In your apartment. Sometimes though, visitors won’t appreciate how thrifty you are. Solution? Invite ALL your friends over at the same time. As Gandhi once said, “Be the heat you want to see in the world.”

Potlucks. An old classic. Revamp potlucks by throwing a surprise potluck for one of your friends. Celebrate friendship and surprise them at their place! You might forget to bring your own food, or invite other people, but no one will even care because they’ll be having so much fun. 

Borrow some cash. People are much nicer than you think. If you sit around asking people for money, it’ll happen. Some people are more inclined to do it if you sing a song or paint yourself silver. Other times you just need to phrase it like, “Hey man, can I borrow a ten?” or “Can you cover lunch, and I’ll get you next time?” But our last tip will bring it all together.

Don’t have friends. This sounds counterintuitive but this is the most cost-efficient way to be social. Get your current friends, get all you can from them, then ditch them. Next, make new friends and repeat! You’ll make more friends than other people and all for cheap! 

Modern day reasons it sucks to be gay

Unless you have been deliberately hiding from the western world, we all know that gay rights have been doing surprisingly well recently. The number of states with legalized gay marriage has doubled from 8 to 17, bills calling gay marriage illegal are being declared unconstitutional left and right, and — by the way — gay marriage is now considered A-OK by federal standards. Also, as any self-respecting gay would know, Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto just won Oscars for “Dallas Buyers Club,” a movie about one man’s journey during the AIDS epidemic. We gays are very much making our way into mainstream culture.

Things definitely don’t suck as much as they used to. Some people maintain that without these more impending (see: life-threatening / violence-inducing / all-around self-hating) problems, we gays have taken it upon ourselves to create more “problems” for ourselves. And no, we’re not necessarily talking about complaining about straight people (though lesbians are a little tired of being called up to borrow their U-Hauls, and gay men do not always necessarily want to harmonize with you). That being said – with all the assurance we know none of these are actual problems – here are modern day reasons it sucks to be gay.

Hey baby, what’s your name? Cool, that’s my name too

This problem exists for straight people too, but look at it this way:

ImageImage

Alas, the generic names suffer, what with all the gay Marks and Kevins. There are many stories about successful and beautiful gay couples with the same name, but the whole thing gets old pretty quickly. Just practically speaking, isn’t it inconvenient when someone is calling you? What if you’re old-fashioned and want to have matching last names? Even worse, just imagine the horror you’d feel when you catch yourself screaming your own name during sex! There’s always the fear of turning into your partner (otherwise known as “twinning”), but this takes Freudian slips to a whole new level.

This problem is even more exacerbated with our next problem.

Nope, she is not related to me in any way, I promise you 

Otherwise known as “he is my lover, not my brother.” God help you if you are a gay person dating someone who is approximately the same ethnicity and / or height as you, especially if you legitimately look similar. I have never heard of a straight couple being confused for relatives but the general idea is, “Huh, that couple looks very similar. Good thing they’re the same gender so I don’t have to feel as awkward asking if they’re related!”

(For this reason, I still have a mild aversion to other Asian girls. This aversion decreases, however, in proportion to an increase in hotness. By the end of the day, my favorite relationship is an inverse relationship.)

Solution to this incestuous problem? Put on a strong hick accent and say you and your same-gendered partner have been trying to have children since y’all were younger, but it just ain’t workin’! Then make out for extra effect. No one will ask anything about you (or your family) anymore.

The best (see: the worst) pick-up spot is the bathroom

Holy fuck, this only needs to happen to you once for you to realize how terrible it is. Whether you see them on their way to a stall or if you’re on the way to a stall and they’re by the sink or if you’re standing next to them in a urinal – there is no good way to start a conversation (“That sink’s not the only one that can make you wet” or “You’re the shit even when we’re not in a bathroom”). And if you manage to somehow follow them out without being overly creepy, trust me, they’ll definitely recognize you as “from the bathroom.” There is no recovering from that first impression. It will never turn into a cute “how’d ya meet” story. There’s nothing left to do except hope you bump into them another time, and maybe the pants will come down in a sexy way.

So there you have it, these are the problems that (if you are straight) you never knew about or (if you are gay) you didn’t even realize you have! Now get out there, mindful of these less than sparkling things, and let’s continue making gay people almost as boring as straight people. As one of my favorite straight friends said to me, “Vaginas, am I right?” Yes, I suppose you are.

This post can also be seen on Medium.