Top 10 ways to die a martyr

With so many causes to feel strongly about (and perhaps even die for), it’s difficult to decide where exactly to start. Luckily, I’ve compiled the top 10 ways to fight for your cause so you can start today!

  1. Meatless Midnight Snacks.
  2. Wear an animal costume and cry.
  3. Put edgy stickers on your laptop.
  4. Don’t shower for a while.
  5. Scroll all the way to the bottom of a world news article (whether you’ve read it or not).
  6. Retweet a picture of a sad dog or orphan.
  7. Nervously walk by a canvasser while half-smiling at the ground.
  8. Nervously walk by a homeless man while mumbling “I’m sorry.”
  9. Add “The Act of Killing” to your list on Netflix before watching Family Guy.
  10. Briefly think about joining the Peace Corps

Local dad hears Kesha, realizes he can no longer “die young”

Local man Russ Hawthorne recently heard the song “Die Young,” resulting in Hawthorne’s much anticipated mid-life crisis. The song (by the artist formerly known as Ke$ha) was a hit over a year ago but Hawthorne has allegedly been “too busy to listen to music” since his daughter’s birth. “Die Young” was playing when Hawthorne was dropping his daughter off at daycare. 

“I mean, what kind of message does that send to children? Kids, this youth is the prime of your life, you should just go and die now because things will just get worse?” he asked no one in particular.

The song compelled Hawthorne to realize that, at his age, he was no longer considered “young” and thus could no longer “die young.” Hawthorne developed that idea further by proclaiming that once you reach a certain age, it isn’t called “dying young” — it’s just called “dying.”

“There isn’t a “die old” because it’s not like there’s anything to miss out on anymore,” Hawthorne said frantically. “I mean, wiping a two-year-old’s ass? You won’t hear Kesha writing hooks about that.”

Since the incident, Hawthorne has been listening to the song over and over again on Youtube. “Kiss me give me all you’ve got,” Hawthorne says with a sense of wonder. “I don’t remember the last time I put that much effort into any aspect in my life.” 

He then turns to hushed tones, “You know, I wanted to be a poet when I was younger. I’m not sure why I stopped writing.” He pauses, “Now, I just heat up leftovers with what used to be the heat of my passion. I even used to love my wife.”

Later, Hawthorne reportedly heard another song by Kesha at the grocery store. This song allowed a wave of contentment to wash over him as he checked out and softly sang along, “We R Who We R.”