BREAKING: Guy just wants to go home and mope about being alone

Sources have just confirmed that the weird guy who hasn’t spoken to anyone at this party just wants to go home. Local man Steve Lager says, “Really, if the options are A) going out and being lonely and tired or B) staying in and being lonely while watching Netflix, which would you choose?

He continues, “What am I supposed to talk about anyway? Being home all weekend and jerking off?”

Witnesses note that earlier this evening, after being silent for an hour, Lager made what appeared to be a joke. This attempt backfired and made his presence even more uncomfortable to those around him. Lager nearly sobs, “Do you know how it feels when you’re silent for an hour and you make a joke and no one laughs?”

Lager’s good friends were also found on scene and asked for comment. They allegedly told Lager earlier, “Come on, just try having fun!” An alternate source reports that if they were such good friends, they would know that you wouldn’t need to try to have fun.

“God I’m so lonely” he said, slipping out the door of the party without anybody noticing.

Sources are now stating that the weird girl from the party wishes she was at her soulmate’s house watching TV.

Report shows that plans are best made over text

As a new technology, texts have revolutionized the way that people meet, connect and more importantly, make plans to hang out. A new study has shown that this is the best and most efficient way to make these plans.

The most obvious feature of texts is how easy and fast it is to get your point across. The report cited the following transcript to illustrate the brevity of texts when making plans:

10:21am – “i’m free anytime, when are you free”
10:21am – “anytime”
10:22am – “how about today”
4:53pm – “oh i don’t know about today”

The author of the paper pointed out that the noncommittal last comment covered up the fact the texter was on the couch watching Netflix and didn’t want to get up.

A participant surveyed in the student argued that the best feature of texts is the ability to see if your text has been read. “I love this feature because I know they got my text two seconds after I sent it.” He continued, “They’ve just been thinking about it for the past week.”

Similar studies found that many of the plans that followed through were spent making plans with other people. It was also found that “yeah, def!” is the text most frequently sent for plans that never end of happening.

One participant said, “Texts are great because instead of telling someone that I don’t want to hang out with them to their face, I can just ignore their text.” He smiles, “My phone can do that for me!”

This study was released after the institute’s last study entitled “Yelp doesn’t ruin good lunch at all if you later realize it has only three stars.” 

Mail Order Wife Site Netchix Introduces “Watch Instantly” Feature

Netchix, a mail order wife site created by Netflix, has recently come out with the “Watch Instantly” feature.  Netchix, the first mail order wife site of its kind, allows its users to order a wife, keep her for as long as they want, and return it in exchange for the next wife in the user’s queue.  The website has been very successful so far, offering many of women categories that its mother company offers:  “you recently married,” “marry her again,” and “new arrivals.”  The most successful feature, and the feature that promises a long lasting site, is “suggestions for you.”  Based on previous wives that the user has ordered and has had shipped to their house, the website guesses at what other women the user would prefer.  Finding other users that have married the same women as the user helps Netchix in this prediction, and seeing what similarities they had. For example, if a user logged onto Netchix, the homepage could say something similar to the following:

Based on your preferences, we have made the following suggestions for you:

  • likes Star Trek almost as much as you do
  • Asian
  • slightly masculine (opens jars)
  • is actually male
  • eating disorder fetish
  • furry
  • your brother’s wife

The new “watch instantly” feature offers users a glimpse into the everyday life of the wives in action in the user’s actual house.  The videos on the site will show the wife’s usual schedule: the wife-to-be washing dishes, doing the laundry, sitting on the foot of your bed quietly sobbing to herself while holding a picture of the old country.  This feature has proven to be very popular.  “Sometimes I order a wife and she doesn’t actually live up to my mother’s expectations like previous reviewers wrote,” user bigboy86 wrote.  “The ‘watch instantly’ button takes away that surprise factor.”  Other users disagree, such as winston423: “I liked not knowing what to expect.  My last wife came with dentures.  At first I was mildly repulsed, until I realized she gave really good head.”

Netchix is rumored to be working on a new mail order husband site, Netdix.

Discreet Tweet – The app that tweets for you

Our new app tweets the wittiest possible combination of 140 characters so you don’t have to. This is done using a complex algorithm that uses the correct proportion of obscure references, jokes other people have made before, and pun potential. 

Discreet Tweet was first designed as a remedy for Twitter users who had fallen under psychological duress. These are the people who could not tolerate the pressure to continuously tweet something witty and relevant (and occasionally edgy). 

Discreet Tweet’s popularity then started spreading to people who joined Twitter to figure out what a retweet was so they could do it to Ellen. These people had no idea how to use Twitter, had zero tweets, three followers, and an egg as their picture.

Now, these same users have used Discreet Tweet to build up their tweet base so they don’t feel self-conscious about the stupid shit they would written instead. Some have taken such a hands-off approach, they don’t even remember their Twitter handle anymore! 

Because of our app, users are free to spend their time doing what they truly care about such as stalking high school exes on Facebook or lying in bed. One user tweeted, “Without the stress of writing good tweets, I can finally reflect on my life and all the terrible choices I’ve made! Thanks DT!” (It is unclear whether the user or the app tweeted this.)

Get Discreet Tweet today! We here at Discreet Tweet are committed to what makes you you.