Modern day reasons it sucks to be gay

Unless you have been deliberately hiding from the western world, we all know that gay rights have been doing surprisingly well recently. The number of states with legalized gay marriage has doubled from 8 to 17, bills calling gay marriage illegal are being declared unconstitutional left and right, and — by the way — gay marriage is now considered A-OK by federal standards. Also, as any self-respecting gay would know, Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto just won Oscars for “Dallas Buyers Club,” a movie about one man’s journey during the AIDS epidemic. We gays are very much making our way into mainstream culture.

Things definitely don’t suck as much as they used to. Some people maintain that without these more impending (see: life-threatening / violence-inducing / all-around self-hating) problems, we gays have taken it upon ourselves to create more “problems” for ourselves. And no, we’re not necessarily talking about complaining about straight people (though lesbians are a little tired of being called up to borrow their U-Hauls, and gay men do not always necessarily want to harmonize with you). That being said – with all the assurance we know none of these are actual problems – here are modern day reasons it sucks to be gay.

Hey baby, what’s your name? Cool, that’s my name too

This problem exists for straight people too, but look at it this way:

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Alas, the generic names suffer, what with all the gay Marks and Kevins. There are many stories about successful and beautiful gay couples with the same name, but the whole thing gets old pretty quickly. Just practically speaking, isn’t it inconvenient when someone is calling you? What if you’re old-fashioned and want to have matching last names? Even worse, just imagine the horror you’d feel when you catch yourself screaming your own name during sex! There’s always the fear of turning into your partner (otherwise known as “twinning”), but this takes Freudian slips to a whole new level.

This problem is even more exacerbated with our next problem.

Nope, she is not related to me in any way, I promise you 

Otherwise known as “he is my lover, not my brother.” God help you if you are a gay person dating someone who is approximately the same ethnicity and / or height as you, especially if you legitimately look similar. I have never heard of a straight couple being confused for relatives but the general idea is, “Huh, that couple looks very similar. Good thing they’re the same gender so I don’t have to feel as awkward asking if they’re related!”

(For this reason, I still have a mild aversion to other Asian girls. This aversion decreases, however, in proportion to an increase in hotness. By the end of the day, my favorite relationship is an inverse relationship.)

Solution to this incestuous problem? Put on a strong hick accent and say you and your same-gendered partner have been trying to have children since y’all were younger, but it just ain’t workin’! Then make out for extra effect. No one will ask anything about you (or your family) anymore.

The best (see: the worst) pick-up spot is the bathroom

Holy fuck, this only needs to happen to you once for you to realize how terrible it is. Whether you see them on their way to a stall or if you’re on the way to a stall and they’re by the sink or if you’re standing next to them in a urinal – there is no good way to start a conversation (“That sink’s not the only one that can make you wet” or “You’re the shit even when we’re not in a bathroom”). And if you manage to somehow follow them out without being overly creepy, trust me, they’ll definitely recognize you as “from the bathroom.” There is no recovering from that first impression. It will never turn into a cute “how’d ya meet” story. There’s nothing left to do except hope you bump into them another time, and maybe the pants will come down in a sexy way.

So there you have it, these are the problems that (if you are straight) you never knew about or (if you are gay) you didn’t even realize you have! Now get out there, mindful of these less than sparkling things, and let’s continue making gay people almost as boring as straight people. As one of my favorite straight friends said to me, “Vaginas, am I right?” Yes, I suppose you are.

This post can also be seen on Medium.