Job Personality Quiz

Thank you for applying for this position. Before you can finish submitting your application, please fill out this job personality quiz by answering agree or disagree to each statement. This quiz will help us determine if you are a good fit for our company. Good luck!

Agree or Disagree:
1. People would describe you as a go-getter, but only when referring to Cheetos.
2. You are excited by new things.
3. When encountering new challenges, you are very excited.
4. You are excited about being excited.
5. Your mother says you have potential.
6. When people make mistakes, you kill them.
7. Sometimes, you hear voices in your head singing Bjork.
8. You are definitely wearing pants right now.
9. You don’t care what people think of you — they don’t know what you’ve been through.
10. This sentence is not true.
11. It’s fun to rummage through your neighbor’s trash. 
12. You have tasted fresh elk blood at least once in your life.
13. You are a good listener, unlike that motherfucker Roy.
14. You have a pee corner.
15. Ouyay areway ethay uperiorsay aceray.
16. You swear like a sailor, albeit a very polite and gentlemanly sailor.
17. Fuck the police.
18. You perform Under Pressure well (although you’re also pretty good at Roxanne).
19. You feel more of a connection with goldfish than with humans.
20. You’re good at finishing things that you st

Top 10 ways to die a martyr

With so many causes to feel strongly about (and perhaps even die for), it’s difficult to decide where exactly to start. Luckily, I’ve compiled the top 10 ways to fight for your cause so you can start today!

  1. Meatless Midnight Snacks.
  2. Wear an animal costume and cry.
  3. Put edgy stickers on your laptop.
  4. Don’t shower for a while.
  5. Scroll all the way to the bottom of a world news article (whether you’ve read it or not).
  6. Retweet a picture of a sad dog or orphan.
  7. Nervously walk by a canvasser while half-smiling at the ground.
  8. Nervously walk by a homeless man while mumbling “I’m sorry.”
  9. Add “The Act of Killing” to your list on Netflix before watching Family Guy.
  10. Briefly think about joining the Peace Corps

Local dad hears Kesha, realizes he can no longer “die young”

Local man Russ Hawthorne recently heard the song “Die Young,” resulting in Hawthorne’s much anticipated mid-life crisis. The song (by the artist formerly known as Ke$ha) was a hit over a year ago but Hawthorne has allegedly been “too busy to listen to music” since his daughter’s birth. “Die Young” was playing when Hawthorne was dropping his daughter off at daycare. 

“I mean, what kind of message does that send to children? Kids, this youth is the prime of your life, you should just go and die now because things will just get worse?” he asked no one in particular.

The song compelled Hawthorne to realize that, at his age, he was no longer considered “young” and thus could no longer “die young.” Hawthorne developed that idea further by proclaiming that once you reach a certain age, it isn’t called “dying young” — it’s just called “dying.”

“There isn’t a “die old” because it’s not like there’s anything to miss out on anymore,” Hawthorne said frantically. “I mean, wiping a two-year-old’s ass? You won’t hear Kesha writing hooks about that.”

Since the incident, Hawthorne has been listening to the song over and over again on Youtube. “Kiss me give me all you’ve got,” Hawthorne says with a sense of wonder. “I don’t remember the last time I put that much effort into any aspect in my life.” 

He then turns to hushed tones, “You know, I wanted to be a poet when I was younger. I’m not sure why I stopped writing.” He pauses, “Now, I just heat up leftovers with what used to be the heat of my passion. I even used to love my wife.”

Later, Hawthorne reportedly heard another song by Kesha at the grocery store. This song allowed a wave of contentment to wash over him as he checked out and softly sang along, “We R Who We R.” 

BREAKING: Guy just wants to go home and mope about being alone

Sources have just confirmed that the weird guy who hasn’t spoken to anyone at this party just wants to go home. Local man Steve Lager says, “Really, if the options are A) going out and being lonely and tired or B) staying in and being lonely while watching Netflix, which would you choose?

He continues, “What am I supposed to talk about anyway? Being home all weekend and jerking off?”

Witnesses note that earlier this evening, after being silent for an hour, Lager made what appeared to be a joke. This attempt backfired and made his presence even more uncomfortable to those around him. Lager nearly sobs, “Do you know how it feels when you’re silent for an hour and you make a joke and no one laughs?”

Lager’s good friends were also found on scene and asked for comment. They allegedly told Lager earlier, “Come on, just try having fun!” An alternate source reports that if they were such good friends, they would know that you wouldn’t need to try to have fun.

“God I’m so lonely” he said, slipping out the door of the party without anybody noticing.

Sources are now stating that the weird girl from the party wishes she was at her soulmate’s house watching TV.

Report shows that plans are best made over text

As a new technology, texts have revolutionized the way that people meet, connect and more importantly, make plans to hang out. A new study has shown that this is the best and most efficient way to make these plans.

The most obvious feature of texts is how easy and fast it is to get your point across. The report cited the following transcript to illustrate the brevity of texts when making plans:

10:21am – “i’m free anytime, when are you free”
10:21am – “anytime”
10:22am – “how about today”
4:53pm – “oh i don’t know about today”

The author of the paper pointed out that the noncommittal last comment covered up the fact the texter was on the couch watching Netflix and didn’t want to get up.

A participant surveyed in the student argued that the best feature of texts is the ability to see if your text has been read. “I love this feature because I know they got my text two seconds after I sent it.” He continued, “They’ve just been thinking about it for the past week.”

Similar studies found that many of the plans that followed through were spent making plans with other people. It was also found that “yeah, def!” is the text most frequently sent for plans that never end of happening.

One participant said, “Texts are great because instead of telling someone that I don’t want to hang out with them to their face, I can just ignore their text.” He smiles, “My phone can do that for me!”

This study was released after the institute’s last study entitled “Yelp doesn’t ruin good lunch at all if you later realize it has only three stars.”